you want to hate but you can't, just because you feel bad doing so - I wanna do so.

I wanna quit but what next ?

today is fine, tomorrow holds a mystery and the past I'm just afraid that it might come creeping back to me.

I try to hide but to no avail, what does this feeling really means ?

honestly, I'm sick of it.

I want to accept that very fact, but I'll hate myself if I did so.

so what do I do ?

I try to hide the feelings and the problems floating in my heart and in my head.

I do it very well,(i think)

but it's something very tiring to live up to every single fucking day.

it seems everyone else got it so simple, but not for me.

why ?

I wanna leave but my heart's here.

I can't leave, and I never will as long as I shall live.

I think I can make it through this.

I'll pray, do deeds as much as I could possibly do and my daily sins that I can never run away from.

I'll be fine.

oh & did I mention Breaking Dawn is out next Monday !

I can't wait for it.

I hope Mom's getting it for me for my Birthday, oh pretty please.

I know her cash is tight right now, but mom, for you not-so-lovely daughte's sake.

HAHAHAHA !

I've got errands to do and frankly I'm in no mood for any of it.

I need to have a haircut, but I'm that broke that I can't even afford the cheap auntie place.

tell me, how more ridiculously poor can my family get ?

I keep telling myself that It'll pass, but we never get close to ending the bills.

this tells me something, I really can't be too dependant on my parents for cash, cause' they need it more than I do.

I know what they're facing but I just don't seem to accept it, when I should know better that I have to understand.

& I should know better to go, get up and find a job than sit my ass at home all day everyday. haha.

I woke up late again-.- today. Amazingly, I showered and got ready for school under twenty minutes. Haha. When I went out I two pairs of my shoe, each missing a shoe, one thrown down and the other hidden by some mindless idiot.

serisouly, hiding, throwing a stranger's shoe down and stacking things in front of the lift door ? don't these people have a life ?

thanks to them, they fucked up my day(:

I guess that's an acomplisment for them screwing up someone's morning, yeah. pfft.

now, I'll go munching my Captn Crunch<3

skedush, i don't have anything to yap about. so my post today shall be dead-.-

so here goes nothing ..

like i said nothing. haha, lameass shit.

I guess my PMS is kicking in these past few days, that explains the foul mood. & guess what I'm still craving for LJS. Seriously, I need it ! Mom feed me. Haha. kay, I know time fly so fast it takes you a minute to take in 'it's already (put day/date here)' i've been doing alot of that lately. gahh, my school pocket money has been cut down to four bucks, lemme tell you it's not enough, well, for my sitch, i basically have two meals outside, y'know how expensive food are now, food at school is way cheaper, it's a good way to save money, but whenever i buy it i never finish it, and again waste of money. i hate wasting food. so now, i can't eat at school.

oookkkayy .. why am i talking about this ?

weird, yes ?

These past few days went by pleasantly, weather wise I mean. It's wet but still bearable. School is alright.

I can see where you are

I can tell you're enjoying it so far

I would love to escape, but now I'm bound

By the burn of your eyes

Looking on as I'm staritng ot realize

I'm a pawn in your game and this is checkmate

As the roses lift their heads to catch a glimpse of my demise

You'll be throwing lies like ocean waves throw down the tides

And they are breaking on my shore

And the rescue team won't save me now I'm out too far

So I'll waste these nights for a while

But I'll be holding on to you forever

And this is where my heart is cold and torn

As I read the words you wrote last night

The butterflies are creeping through my spine

It's a thirll I can't shake

Yeah i know we've been writing a mistake

But it's hard to erase the feelings I've drawn

I was caught in an awkward silence

Broken down by the sound of the prelude that your played

To open our symphony

I've been sleeping with the sunrise watching hours pass away

Incidentally, i'm just waiting for the dusk to kill the day

But now I'm waiting for your call

When I bang into this piano like you care at all

As I hear the words you're saying tonight

I fall for them every single time

As the roses dip their head a little futhur to the ground

There's a season change and all the pinks and whites have turned to brown

We will make it through the fall yeah are we gonna make it through this fall

'Cause I don't wanna fall with you

I'm trying, we're dying yeahh

I'm taken by your hope-filled lines

They're well designed and dragging me along

I'll be wating for this chance and I'll be gone

-Roses and Butterflies

it feels nice to be surrounded by people whom you feel happy with, even without talking you feel a sense of warmth and joy. even though sometimes i hate to admit it, my family can be a real pain in the ass. but in times they just have this silliness that just makes you smile inside(yeah, i do that alot.) the other night we were laughing so loud about some of our inside jokes we made up that night, we don't even give a hoot about the stares and looks, we just laughed our ass off.

i guess that was the first time in a long time we laughed like that in public places. that image above was simply just for fun, comedy and laughter !

heard it from Samantha Who ? I guess it holds alot of meaning to it that's why I put it down.

taa<3!

I won't deny that there's still the awkwardness that I can't shake away.

I won't deny that when I see you I look away.

I won't deny that I still can't meet your gaze.

I won't deny that I loved you once.

I won't deny that I miss you.

I miss your hugs and kisses on my cheek.

I miss that one time we held hands and your palms weren't sweaty.

I miss walks from the interchange to my doorstep.

I miss those times when you crept up from behind and hug me.

I miss seeing your shoulders move uncontrollably when you laugh.

I miss those late messages we used to have. Especially that one night we had it until 3 am.

I miss those times you tried to do that thing you can never do.

I miss seeing the face when you sulk.

I miss the times you tried to pinch my cheeks and many failed attempts.

I miss the touch of you skin.

I miss saying goodbye and goodnight.

Lastly, I just simply miss having you around.

And now when these memories come to light in my thoughts, I'll smile. Knowing now that I've finally moved on. No doubt, I'll leave the past behind but memories of you and me I'll bring along with me forever and hope that it's never forgotten.

All these while I thought that I have gotten over you, well, all these while I've been lying to myself. Now, I know and very sure that I already have. I won't cringe with the very thought of you or shake it away, I'll smile inside.

I'll take this as letting go.

Now enough of all these lovey-dovey gooey romantic stuff. I think if I go on any furthur I might just throw out my lunch. Just for moment I felt like a girl, girl. Haha, if that don't make sense to you, you don't know me. My exterior may seem somewhat harsh but I do have a heart, having and exterior like mine I have act up to it.

Everyday in school, something new comes up, Ham did the silliest most crappiest thing today, I don't what he was thinking ? Or maybe he wasn't at all ? Haha. I can't describe it here, I'll end making it sound unfunny. I have to laugh when I come to school it just has to happen, it's synchronised in my giggle bag. What the hell is a giggle bag ? LOL

All in all the conclusion is, from everything that I've put up here, I've learned and realised something the best things in life are PRICELESS. Without a doubt.

y'know having cravings for someone physically like me, is never a good thing. just what do i have to do to lose it. ugh. i've been craving like craazzyy lately. now, i'm craving for ljs. i kinda miss having tuesdays morning rev-ups, at least that keeps me fit and toned unlike now, it's all loose and jello. i would try to go to the gym but please me. there. working out ? lemme tell ya, ain't gonna happen. and furthurmore save the embarassment for someone else, ithink i'll get mocked and teased. should prolly try and get a treadmill - i miss running. lol!

this is going to be reaallly random !

i'm feel so elated and lazy(heh) these past few days, i guess i got alot of things off my chest which has been weighing me down everysingle day. i learnt alot this past six months, good things and bad things - learn from them not do them(mind you) from past experiences, from other peers even from songs ! i found myself, it was not lost it was inside hiding and it came out. i may have some pet peeves that ugs me. but people aren't perfect, so i shan't be short-tempered whenever they do the thing they do that ugs me.

it's also easy to misunderstand acts and intentions, you think he's out to fool you or .. i hate to say this, use you to forget about someone. instantly, you think he's so selfish, he's only thinking bout' himself not sparing your feelings cos' words sometimes don't mean any thing because they may just be pretense. it's easy to judge but never easy to hear the truth, and once you know it and realised you've wrong someone, you hate yourself and ultimately embarassed cos' you were jumping to conclusions.

taa !<3

i especially love Maknae's expression. Priceless !

on other things not regarding BB, basically .. i woke up late(as always) i actually showered already, but i felt too darn lazy to get about, cos' i know the buses and trains are gonna be super pack if i go out this late, the reason i dread to go to school when i wake up late. yeah, i know it's just excuses for waking up late but at least i don't deny it.

i did go to school yesterday, we went to URA and some hospital construction site. the place wasn't any fun but still interesting to see the model of tiny Singapore. i bet those who did them took alot of time. i would've taken pictures but um, i don't know why i didn't. heh. but still, after two days of missing school, i was glad to be back, they started cracking jokes and teasings(usually, bout' me) but being a good sport about it(self-proclaim, lol) i joined the laughs and i ended up laughing louder than the rest, maybe not louder just uncontrollable laughters, it's hard for me to stop laughing.

everything ended at 3, went somewhere around the area blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blahblahblahblahblah, right enough of blahs already & we went home.

these two days have been quite pleasant, i don't feel nauseated anymore. lol

but i'm bored.at.home. with nothing to do, i'll be back to school tomorrow.

there's some big news !

Breaking Dawn is out in bookstores on August 4th ! there's no better timing than this, this would be perfect for a birthday present *hinthint* i don't know whether i should pre-order this. i can't wait this long ! and i also want the JonasBrothers CD. how shameful of me. tsk. look at me my birthday isn't around the corner yet and i'm already talking about what i want for a present. tsktsktsktsk.

i had to skip school today, i had fever and the headache is killing me. surprisingly, when we reached the clinic we're the first one there and in no time people start to come in. after that, mom ane me bought breakfast, reached home and ate something and then had my meds. i hate taking them after that i had an hour and a half nap which feels longer than its supposed to be, woke up and felt muchmuch better but no, i had a pukefest just now all of what i ate in then morning - gross.

one week of school passed just like that, many of the days were cut short, thankfully. simple reason was i was still in the holiday mood. im not a fan of long school breaks, things change, people change - maybe they haven't but you just haven't seen them or spoke to them for a veryy long time so you just simply forget who they are. dumb reason i know. i just don't know what's happening now, between us, i have a feeling he's avoiding me, yeah he is. i just don't know what's the problem, we haven't been talking for a long time, i don't even see his face in school, how is that ? it seems impossible, apparently it is, it's the fact and the truth.

i've heard things from people, my classmates, they aren't really the things you wanna hear about your - see i don't know why i can't say that word to describe him.

i don't know what i should do now, pretend like things never happened ? those feeling i had be ignored ? or just wait and hopes he'll come around ? ugh, wait. i hate waiting especially for somoething that's not certain. or go off silent ?

i'm gonna do this real quick. right , so i found out what my gpa is , i got like 2.5. yeah, that's not a good thing , i know. but i half-expected that i'd get 2 and below , so it's a real shocker for me really , but still thankful.

well , i know very well that i gotta buck up and pull up my socks , if i want to go somewhere in life. if i have this kind of grade by the end of my course , no comopany would want me.

i had the runs earlier this morning , that's never a good thing. Puts me in a foul mood & i'm feeling really weak. I've got no mood for anything & keeping to myself.

I wasn't informed that we're supposed to be in school at 10, i diligently wake up early so that i won't want to rush , surprisingly , the time went real slow when I was changing. Amen to that.
Gahh, i'll update much more later.

school starts tmr, which i am so not looking forward to, i know i've been saying i'd rather be at school all thru this holiday, but i hate it now. gahh.

i'm almost half way there to finish the book(eclipse). it bothers me that i'll prolly finish before the week ends. schucks. i was hoping my morning train rides to be spent reading my book. just find another book then. haha. yeah right. mom's short of cash bcos of Billy's surgery cost, he's fine now, i think. But giving that cat his medicine is a torture i tell you.

nothing to say no more, i'm going to ponder.

now, i actually have something to rant about. mom treats me like i'm her delivery girl or something like that & asking me to run errands. i mean i totally don't mind doing it once in a while but too often. na-uh. it's understood that she's busy with work & that's really the reason why i should help. i just don't see why she can't ask someone else to do it. it bugs the fuck outta me.

whatever, i don't want to think about this too much. i was in a foul mood to grans, which i shouldn't have done, cos' i felt horribla after. Adults just have this power, once you shout at them or raised your voice and sound brusque, whatever it is. After a second of that, you immediately feel guilty and regretted what you said, almost wanting to apologise. i keep reminding myself, karma.

man, i'm going to be miserable when i have teenagers. hah, yeah right.

taa.

this movie is awesome !& with the Jonas Brothers in it makes it Rockatastic ! lol. kay, i know this is like my third post in the last 3 hours, it's the first time in a veryy lonngg time that i'm on the computer this long.

Joe's in blue ! Whatever totally out of the topic. Like I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, i'm so happy so suddenly. whatever the reason is i'm loving it, seriously, i've never felt so happy for a long time & not because of these boys, well partly and i think i don't need a reason to be happy. omg, i feel like im on cloud nine. omg, i don't sound me.

whatever, am so not making sense now, i think it's the heat.

taa !

Ahh ! I just cannot not put this here, it's too adorable !

These boys are prolly the cause for Global warming.

LOL

this morn' I had a trip to the Vet's, my Billy.B is sick. They weren't kidding about the waiting time, it took exactly 2 hours to see the Vet since we registered. Billy's condition is pretty serious, he's going for surgery. I pray everything will be smooth sailing.

Amen.